Calculating arrival times

GPS devices are great but they need to take into account a few more factors…these are all shamelessly stolen from and my buddy Bert…

The Idiot Effect – This is the amount of extra time your trip will feel like it takes based on the stupidity of the other drivers. Like the number of people that ride in the right lane until the very last minute and then cut across to the exit. Or the percentage of drivers that will ignore turning lanes, opting instead to come to a complete stop in traffic before making a turn.

With this adjustment, a trip through suburban sprawl might take 20 minutes, but with the Idiot Effect (the “I.E.(tm)“) it will feel like an hour and a half.

The Asshole Effect – Similar to the “I.E.,” the “A.E.(tm)” is the amount of extra time your trip will feel like it takes based on people cruising in the left lane going only, say, 2 miles-per-hour faster than the cars in the right lane. Or those jerks that act like they didn’t see the flashing yellow arrow and wait to merge until the very last minute. This can multiple the actual time by a factor of 1.5 to 400, and may explain the shorter life expectancies in urban areas like L.A. or DC.

But it’s not all bad news. There’s also the “Auto Commercial Effect” (or “ACE Time ™” for short). This is when you’re on a huge, wide road in the middle of a clear weeknight (like I-270 outside of DC) and you can actually move along like the cars on those “closed courses.” Even with some attempt to stay near the speed limit, the trip just feels 25 to 50% shorter.

The Hillbilly Effect – In any given rural area, even on an interstate road through a rural area, the speed limit will be 20 MPH lower than it should be, and the locals will drive 20 MPH below that even. These local folk are so used to driving tractors that they often forget that a moving vehicle can have a gas pedal.

The Geriatric Effect – In any given area that has a high population of retired persons, nobody is in a hurry, and nobody can see or hear all that well. Drivers are also easily confused, and slow to comprehend any deviations in their course.

The Jesus Effect – In any given southern community, nobody is in a hurry to do anything, and nobody wears seatbelts or is afraid of dying, because they are all just waiting for Jesus anyway.

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