“It’ll happen when you least expect it…”
“Just relax…it’ll happen. Maybe you are too tense”.
” At least you know you CAN get pregnant.”
In my quest to have children I have heard these saying numerous times. Many of them more than once. There are also many, many, more that I could list, but just filling up with a bunch of quotes doesn’t make for interesting reading. So, I will attempt to spill my guts about my struggles with infertility. I NEVER thought I would be writing this in a million years.
“Pregnant”…seeing that word on my EPT digital home pregnancy test was one of the most exciting days of my life. February 3rd, 2005. I was in shock. Really? Am I really pregnant? This of course was overshadowed by news that James was going to be losing his job. How could something so amazing and something so awful happen in the same day??? We tried to look forward to the pregnancy and figured the job situation would work out somehow. So, we pressed on. Then at 7.5 weeks I started spotting. Not a lot, but definitely there. The bleeding got progressively heavier over the next 1.5 weeks. March 9th at 9am was our first prenatal appt. This was my first visit with this particular OB/GYN and I didn’t know what to expect. She did an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. There was a “fetal pole” (doesn’t that just sound awful?), a sac measuring 9 weeks, but no heartbeat. I had a little person growing inside of me who had not survived. It ripped my heart out. I just cried and cried. James was supposed to go back to work that day and called in to tell them he wouldn’t be back that day. We both cried and held each other in the dr’s office “consultation” room. We had to decide to let nature take its course, or to have a D&C to “complete” my “incomplete spontaneous abortion”. I HATE that the medical term for miscarriage includes the word “abortion”…So, we opted to take some medication to force uterine contractions in order to speed up the process…I did indeed have the D&C a week and a half later because my bleeding wasn’t stopping. We started trying again in June of 2005. That brings me to the topic of Mzrfzn Infertility.
So, after a year of trying we were referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). I had started charting my waking temperatures in July of 2005 and noticed some issues. So, my OB/GYN (who I just love!) started me on Clomid, an oral fertility medication. That progressed to checking out James’s swimmers, then I had a test where they shoot dye into your uterus to see if tubes are open and everything looks okay. That was fine. So, the RE came up with a plan that included IUI (intrauterine insemination), which used to be called “artificial insemination”. So, between the blood draws, follie checks (to see how many pre-ovulatory follicles are maturing), oral, injectable AND suppository medication (vaginal progesterone after ovulation) I have turned into somewhat of a science experiment. All those meds do wonderful things to your mood, let me tell ya. I am irritable and frustrated most days. And to top it off, we are on a break cycle from meds due to a large ovarian cyst that is a side effect from the medication. UGGHHH!!!! Why can’t we just do things the old-fashioned way and have a baby after nine months????
All the comments about “Just relax” and “Try not to think about it” don’t help. I know people mean well, but I have been hearing that stuff for well over a year now. You mean if I just relax I will be pregnant??? If only it were that easy. We have now been seeing the RE for 3 1/2 months, shelling out hundreds of dollars each month on meds and procedures, and I am still not pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, it is all worth it. I want to be a mom so bad I can taste it. I will just never understand why those who are deserving (I feel that we are) and want it so badly are the ones that have to work so hard for it. I guess we are just waiting for God’s timing…